(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
ok like just. call me at this point
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I don’t make the rules sorry
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.