(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
i choose….tongue
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on