A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Holy shit he’s back
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’