Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fly smarter, not harder

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

Blew my mind.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.