Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

grotesque if literal: baby food

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.