Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I’m not lazy

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Fight

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.