A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Good morning ☺️
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
uncle dave has been through hell
taking June’s advice to heart
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.