A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’m giving up for Lent.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Sure. Why not?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.