A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
pat pat
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
notice
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.