A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.


Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.


DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti


My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn


I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.


ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.