A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em