A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My dating profile:
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.