Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?