A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
That’s it.I’m out.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.