A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW