Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions