A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
This is me
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.