Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Me irl

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.