A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.