Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

My work here is done

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

The cashier just checked me out.