Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

You learn something every day

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.