Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

this is funnier than any friends episode

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Received some very disappointing news today

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more