Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.