A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Chemical wingman
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.