A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
sistine chapel
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Does it…does it take 3 days
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived