Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

🤣✨#caturday

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

yea so i messed up lol

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.