Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Cha-ching is my safe word

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!