A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You Might Also Like
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I see your IQ test came back negative
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.