A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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“Sheer Arrogance”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street