A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.