Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

True

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Always

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

😂

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.