A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?