A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
me after drinking all the wine:
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.