A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.