Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

this site is so cooked lol

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win