A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!