A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
felt that
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
