Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

on da cob, we all corn

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

I ate everything, including the H.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Meanwhile in Canada…

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.