Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.