Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time