Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice