Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat