Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.