Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

i baked you a cake

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween