Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.