AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there