AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble