Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

I’ve had relationships like this