Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

this article brought to you by lions

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

Bro what is this

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.