“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
more water
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.