“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg