aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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