aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.