aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir