Aaaa…CHOO!
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
😭😭😭
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?