Aaaa…CHOO!
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Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.