Aaaa…CHOO!
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Never be a pizza!
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.