Aaaa…CHOO!
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
good for her
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.