@daplusk

“AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.

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@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@YourDailyGroan

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

@mejustbeth

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.

@tamytoo2

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.