son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Oh good, now it is snowing”
– If I lived in a snow globe.
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Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I just met a British spy down on his luck. His name’s Bond. Vagabond.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: you like my car?
Me: I could do this all day.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?