a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
You Might Also Like
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.