Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”