Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Spoiler Alert: I was late
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after