Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No