Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
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this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.