Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…