abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I stand by it
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The news is so predictable nowadays
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭