abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.