abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
seems like a niche market
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!