Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
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Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“When it comes to racism…”
Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*
Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*
Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*