Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Geez man, take it easy.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets