Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

trivia

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.