Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.