Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Breaking news:

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

what it’s like dating me:

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.