Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

How high do the levels go?

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Ha.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet