{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”