Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”